big load

so... i have this tendency to try and put on this big front of oh hey i am really doing great, and good... my life is completely together- and for the majority of the time i do that by keeping myself busy and loading my plate up with lots responsibility and opportunities to concentrate on others things rather than my own...

tonight just put this enormous weight on me saying... "kathleen stop being fake okay... and breathe" and let me tell you... when i took that breath the tears just came falling... i'm so worried about my mom (and some nights, tonight in particular she sounds so tired on the phone that i worry if the Lord is gonna take her from me)... i also am trying to be carefree about this whole August thing... you know the time coming up where i have absolutely no idea where i'll be or how i'm going to make a living- it's really coming down hard on me right now, and i think the reason is... is that God has made it more than evident that i can't handle this alone

we sing a silly song at camp but the words are constantly playing in my head right now:

cast your burdens on to Jesus because He cares for you...

tonight through my personal little break down i learned that i truly can't keep together anymore, so i'm giving it away... my advice to people is always "take a break, pray it out"... i'm taking my break from keeping it together... and i'm giving to You God... please keep it from me so all i can do is come to you and trust