let's get real

so.. time for little straight-forwardness and being honest before God and with myself. i'm reading through "Captivating" for the first time, and man it really gets a girl to think... today on the car ride back from Charleston (which was an amazing town- i'm ready to go back with anyone headed that direction) i had some time to do just do that... ya know think and then you add in some solid statements from this book and it's helped me truly figure out some things that i don't really like to realize...

first off the not really important one, but true still the same. i've come to the conclusion that i'm scared out of my mind to be in a relationship- no matter how many times i'll say- "oh i'm just waiting for God to show me that guy"... truth is i don't know if i'm ready for that dude to walk in and sweep me off my feet, in fact i'm starting to realize my fear and built up walls (due to past relationships just tearing down any sense of trust and security with men i've ever had) that might actually prevent me from allowing myself to be in a relationship... i think that i've been let down so many times by boyfriends/men in my family/guy-friends that i don't really know if i can trust him... God yes, a man capable of breaking my heart... no

anyways the big one- i think the core of the whole trully trusting God issue with me, is my fear of being inadequate. i want so much to live each moment to the fullest and experience so many things our Lord has provided, but deep inside i feel like i'm not meant to get the best of these things... i'm just a little po-dunk lady from mississippi who has a crazy past and is trying so hard to make a future... but i don't think i'm enough... God help me with this- is my plea...